tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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