I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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