i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
