Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
