i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
