im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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