Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
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Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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