Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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