The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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