i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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