we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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