no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Randomize
