Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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