please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
