You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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