Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is Oprah even human
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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