I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
