my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
sex in a hospital.. check
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
