The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
