Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
