You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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