I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
