Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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