I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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