Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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