I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
