Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
