I wish I could teleport
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When are your genitals available?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
