Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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