i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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