Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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