Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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