He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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