i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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