I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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