Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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