May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
