I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
