Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
