Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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