she was so not down for the gang bang
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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