Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
