he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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