after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize