Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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