i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
