so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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