Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
