I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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