Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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