oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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