I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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