Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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