He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
