So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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