I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize
