I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
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Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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