I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
